beautiful rain

Her umbrella turned inside out

Like the movies

But instead of the glamour, we are just wet.

She licks the rain off her lips,

The lingering drops that stick

She looks at me, big blue eyes.

And grins.

Bleached hair stuck to her forehead

In small wet clumps,

The black mascara starts to drip

In streaks on her cheeks.

A truck passes sending a wave of water to our feet

We scream and she pushes me away

Bolting across the street, I look back

And she is there on the curb waiting for a gap

She looks small standing, alone

“Now” I scream and she laughs and gallops across

Her lean body lost in the gray

She’s running and laughing

the cars whiz by

The long black scarf flapping in the wind

She reaches me, hunched over and panting.

Cheeks painted pink

“I look great, don’t I?” she breathlessly asks

pursing her lips to make her best model face.

“Of course you do. Beautiful.” I reply

She thinks I am kidding, but I’m not.

I consider taking her into my arms and holding her tight

To say “yes, you are really are beautiful, the most beautiful I have ever seen”

But she is laughing

With her face to the sky

Her tongue out, catching the rain.

She looks happy, amidst the gray.

So instead we walk

Together

Through the rain and cold

And I will forever remember her this way.

Gratitude

peace. in my heart and my world.

creation. the beauty, the opportunity for exploration, and the infinite cultivation of wonder.

them. siblings. her uniqueness, beauty, sensitivity, creativity. His humility, heart, strength, tenderness, individuality. they will forever hold a piece of me.

mom. heartfelt compassion. fiercely interested. devoted. always a little different. never afraid to dance, even to her own beat. I will always admire this.

big dad. simple. quiet hearted. invested. genuine. intelligent. Usually thinks he's the funniest, and can always laugh at himself.I would like to be a bit more like him, big fish and all.

the power of choice. the good, the bad. and the possibility of growth.

the best friends you could ever ask for. honest, passionate, giving, always hilarious. Ample amounts of the middle finger. They love with open hands and broken hearts. They teach me to dream and to be real and unafraid. I become more alive because of them. The ones I walk with everyday, for the rest of my life.

a soul mate friend. raw, unabashed honesty. the most inappropriate things you have ever heard. her ability to live out compassion with vulnerability. She helps me break my heart open to the world.

the cutest thing you ever saw and her unconditional love

an old friend, who I love just as much today as I did 12 years ago in 7th grade. adventurous, strong, accepting, honest, dependable. best dancer ever. great choice in disney songs. someone I will have all my life.

writing. and the ability to leave the burdens behind or to put my heart on a page.

wilson. college girl friends. their five liner updates. great dance parties. the beautiful differences, the love and the joy that they bring to my life.

coffee. a little comfort in my day.

cousins. people I love. their support and encouragement and ability to have a damn good time.

COOKIES! there is never a bad time for a cookie.

the beautiful, messy journey. discovery. companionship on the road.

deb. incredibly wise, kind, compassionate and invested. My mentor, my friend. I think I am forever indebted to her. and Phil, whose heart and leadership I admire and trust. They loves people well.

independence. finding a quiet strength somewhere deep inside. knowing I can make it, and will. fresh air, the outdoors. the feeling of being fully alive. adventure.

love. even in the broken mess, the smallest rays shine through.

…. new friends, like Laura, who have already become dear and trusted, and make me laugh at all the times I need it the most. The kind of laughing where you are bent over no longer breathing, and then, just when you think you can’t laugh any harder,  someone snorts.

…. a very long journey of education, that is about to come to a close.

…. The people that enrich my life in all different sizes and ways through;

wisdom, insight, differences, depth, joy, spunk:

Jackie, John, Janel, Polly, Melissa, Sara.

…. Jesus

…. good food. good music. sweet white wine

…. community. interaction, exchange, sharing.

…. finding beauty in the mundane.

…. simple days.

There seems to be much to be grateful for. If only I choose to rejoice.

A fist

Holds tight my heart

Inside my chest

Someone else’s hand

Restricts me

And the dark seeps in

Through the cracks

I tried so hard to hide

Held together

Not in this life

the same

You know that feeling

The music doesn’t play

It all goes wrong

Everything

Even the toast burns, at the end of the day

There’s none left to retry

And I can’t change it

Not even that which is happening now

The mask

Doesn’t make it go away

Or even hide the gray

It worked for a little while

But not today

People are the same

She fucks someone who wont love her back

A man shoots his wife and kids

They ended what we thought would last

He had that disrespectful tone

They all treated her like a piece of shit, until one day she believed it

The kid cried in the hall, parents turned their back

She became a fiance, and we celebrate

And the old lady fell

All the people hide

To mask the mess

And so do I

Because we can’t change a thing

reconstruction

Little heart

the legions that war against you

hold on

tight

to that life inside you

beating away long past the dreary light

never slowing

ever growing

though its been

raped

and broken

a bloodied mess

it beats on through the night in the fight

with hope for a beautiful return

wrap your arms around

pull them close

to fend off the coldest air

for the onslaught but continues

keep your armor

bound around you

awaiting grace

to seep through

quietly chipping away the stone

warmth and quiet

sweet embrace

naked as it came

hold on

little heart

 

ch cha change

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

~Alan Cohen

 

today brings change. and all the overwhelming feelings that come with it. I hope in my own little life that somewhere down the road, change brings power. that movement brings life. that hope becomes reality. 

today. i try. i move. i create. 

within myself, I never want to be the same.

this reminds me of my mom.

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded.”   –Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

yes, I think I agree. If this is success, that’s damn good news. I hope, I endeavor, I want to live like this. my mom does.

the blackboard

messages today from the classroom chalkboard

rediscover passions.

free to generate ideas.

focused on piecing experiencing together.

empowering to make choices on your own.

comfort

you hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.

even the darkness is not dark to you; night is bright as the day,

for darkness is as light with you. 

I awake, and I am still with you. 

ps. 139

i don’t know what i think. i don’t know how to believe in the depth of night. what does that mean, to believe? i am journeying and it seems to be the long and hard way. this moment is knives and stones and shaky bones. it seems so alone.

but I awake, and I am with you- still. 

that might be all i have.

miss you